My Mistake
by readingISfunXD
Summary: What if Risa gave up on her feelings for Otani?


**MY MISTAKE**

* * *

I love you

* * *

Every time I tell you to get home safe, stay warm, have a good day, or sleep well,

... what I am really saying is I love you.

I love you so damn much that it is starting to steal other word's meaning.

* * *

Whenever I am around you,

... my heart pounds against the bars of the prison in which I kept it,

... my heart demands to feel the way it once felt so long ago,

... when everything was innocent and whole and hopeful.

* * *

But you are gonna go now.

Into a far away place

A place I cannot go.

You're soon gonna leave me.

Leave me with these emotions...

Of sadness,

... that we are not gonna see each other again

Of hurt,

... that you never really did feel what I thought you felt about me

Of pain,

... that you never said you loved me yet I assumed

Of regret,

... that i wasn't able to tell you how much I like you.

Of confusion,

... when I convince my head of something my heart knows is a lie.

... because I know now that you would never like me back

... because I am merely your friend.

A friend to whom you tell your random experiences

A friend who you would always go to

A friend who you're always awkward to

A friend who would never really understand how you think.

A friend.

* * *

Or are we really just friends?

What are we?

I don't understand our relationship.

* * *

Sometimes we're friends.

Sometimes we're more than friends.

Some days we're close as ever.

Some days, I'm just a stranger to you.

One minute, you're talking to me as if I'm someone special.

The next minute, it's as if I mean nothing to you.

One day, you pay so much attention to me

Other days, you wont even talk or look at me.

* * *

Why?

Why can't you just tell me what you feel,

... because how you act is confusing me.

I am so confused.

I don't know what you want.

* * *

I have said this over and over...

I hate you,

... but I still can't bring myself to stop liking you.

It sucks when I know that I need to let go, but can't

... because I'm still waiting for the impossible to happen.

I know it's hard to wait for something you know might never happen,

... but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

Oh why does my heart just won't accept what my brain tells it?

* * *

I hide my tears when I say your name,

... but the pain in my heart is still the same.

My mouth says, "I'm okay."

But my heart says, "I'm broken."

It hurts when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought you were.

I wanna cry.

I wanna stop.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore.

* * *

Please, my heart, stop liking this flirt.

This bastard who keeps playing with my mind

... with my feelings.

* * *

You never really felt anything special for me, now did you?

I just assumed.

And I fell harder.

I thought I knew this from the start but it still hurts.

I thought I was prepared,

... yet I never expected to feel this way.

Yes, I'm hurt.

* * *

I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment.

Not to hurt you but rather so you can finally understand how much you hurt me.

I don't think you've ever thought about me or my feelings.

What is it? What are you really thinking?

Please let me understand.

I know we're friends but...

You are the cause of the confusion in my heart.

* * *

I don't even know where I'm going with this.

All i know is that right now it hurts.

... it hurts that i know that we have these awkward moments.

I know you feel it too.

... those awkward moments we have

... the awkward silence we both have when we don't have anything to say to each other

... the fact that were really not talking in front of other people

... the fact that when we are teased you suddenly walk away from me, you suddenly stop talking and interacting with me.

* * *

Instead you are talking to HeR, flirting with Her, laughing with hEr, teasing heR.

Any HER there is, except me.

Yes, except me.

* * *

Then you come again.

You come close to me again.

Why would you keep doing that?

It confuses the heck out of me.

It frustrates the hell out of me.

You say things that make me believe that you like me.

But you then say something else,

... and it makes me think that I am the girl you never think about.

Damn, I hate it.

* * *

Every time I tell myself I should move on.

Here you are again, getting close to me.

Why did I like this kind of guy in the first place?

I never would have imagined this happening to me.

You were never supposed to mean this much to me.

Falling in love with you was never in my plan.

Until one day, I woke up loving you so much.

* * *

I was never supposed to fall so hard.

But you know what?

I did.

And I just broke my own heart loving you.

* * *

They say "follow your heart".

But if your heart is in a million pieces,

Which piece do you follow?

You can't follow your heart,

When it is more confused than your head.

* * *

So now, I talk to myself.

I write this nonsense.

I really am gonna stop loving you.

Although it hurts like hell to let you go,

... I am gonna stop holding on to these feelings.

I am never gonna hope for something more from him,

... cause I feel like I will forever be waiting for something that is never going to happen.

* * *

More importantly, I now realize, that overall, you weren't worth it.

There were moments with you that made me really, really happy, but the majority of the time, you shut me out.

That's why I swear I'll try and get over you.

We might have had something really great, but I guess we'll never know.

I'll never forget the good times I had with you, but I'll also never forget how you hurt me more than anyone I have ever known.

* * *

Perhaps one day we will meet again as characters in a different story.

Maybe we'll share a lifetime then.

But now, in this story,

... I will act like I don't care at all.

... I will move on.

... I will let you go.

* * *

One day, your name will not make me smile anymore.

Instead, I am gonna find someone who is not afraid to admit that they miss me.

Someone who knows I am not perfect but treats me as if I am.

Someone who's biggest fear is losing me.

One who will give his heart completely.

Someone who will say 'I love you' and will mean it.

Someone who wouldn't mind waking up with me in the morning, seeing me in wrinkles and my gray hair, yet will still fall for me all over again.

* * *

I guess, that someone will never be you.

I am now stronger because I had to be.

I'm smarter because of the sadness I've known,

And now wiser because I learned through the pain.

* * *

But just because I am giving up on you,

... doesn't mean I never loved you.

It just means I realized you never loved me.

The sad part is just you made believe you did.

* * *

But don't be sorry.

I loved you.

My mistake, not yours.

[END]


End file.
